I Know Who Killed Me (2007)

I Know Who Killed Me is a great bad movie. It’s so ridiculous that it’s entertaining. If only more bad movies were like this. There are some boring scenes, but watching the movie stumble to its unbelievable ending is undeniably fun. Or “fun.” I’m a fan of using color in movies, but this movie was the most exaggerated and blatant use of color schematics that can be imagined. My 3-year-old-daughter would have figured out the concept after five minutes because it’s so incredibly obvious. Hearing Lindsay Lohan’s hangover voice is great when you see her as a high school student. And let’s not talk about her robotic limbs, because at this point you don’t know what kind of movie you are watching anymore. If you like funny bad movies, this one will be for you.

But I’m not here to make fun of stupid movies (well, not all the time). Because we shouldn’t forget that this is a rare movie that features a woman in a starring role. Fair enoug, it's Lindsay Lohan, but still. So maybe we can learn from this movie what you should or shouldn’t do if you have a female protagonist. It’s not a bad idea to present her as a writer and to show her rejecting her almost boyfriend's incredibly clumsy sexual advances. Those are some really good ideas to show a strong and confident female character. Okay, Lindsay Lohan is not convincing as either a writer or as being prude, but we don’t want to nit-pick. Unfortunately, that’s it. Those are the good parts. Two unconvincing moments of a strong female character. Well, that’s okay as long as the movie doesn’t fuck up now somehow, right?

Well, only a couple of minutes later the same character, Aubrey (not to be confused with Dakota, but we’ll get there), is incredibly turned on by her gardener because he takes off his shirt and jerks off a big tree branch while making blowjob movements with his tongue. And she’s totally entranced by it. Which is totally understandable if you look at the sexy scene, of course, it just doesn’t really make her look so strong anymore.

Okay, okay, but there is more you can do with a female character, right? To not exploit her and use her reasonably. Like showing her tortured for two minutes in sickening details, showing skin peeling off and fingers cut off, always making clear we see her totally helpless and in unbelievable pain. That must be good. No one would enjoy seeing a young woman suffering, right? Nothing wrong here.

And a three-minute-scene of pole dancing? There’s nothing exploitative here either, is there? Even if it has nothing whatsoever to do with the plot and is obviously only there to focus heavily on Lindsay Lohan’s ass. And a two-minute-sex-scene with Dakota (not Aubrey, no) and Aubrey’s boyfriend that is supposed to be totally outlandish although she is obviously not naked throughout? Which is intercut with her mother (Julia Ormond of all people) cringing in the kitchen because of the enormously loud sex noises? And which features the most unsuitable music you could find for a sex scene? And which then ends with Dakota asking the guy: “Did she ever fuck you like that? (long embarrassing silence) Mhm, did she ever fuck you at all?” Why would anyone have a problem with any of that?

Well, they tried. I guess. Great movie.